How To Approach Women
Approaching women is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to most men. But if you want to meet women, you simply have to do it (unless you’re insanely good looking, or famous, or both). So let’s talk about how.
The first thing you need to do is make sure you have the right mindset. Don’t tell yourself you “can’t” just walk up to a girl and talk to her – that’s bullshit. Unless you’re a mute paraplegic, your legs will carry you there and your vocal chords will vibrate. The truth is not that you can’t but that you won’t, which is an important distinction because “won’t” can simply be overcome by “I will”. If you tell yourself you can’t do something, you’ll sit around waiting for circumstances to change to the point where you believe you can, which 99% of the time just won’t happen – and you’ll go home alone.
Think about the worst case scenario when you approach a girl. You head over, say a few words and she seems disinterested. Or maybe, in a serious worst-case scenario, she looks disgusted, says something snobby, and turns her back to you. You feel uncomfortable for a split second, walk away, and that’s it. It’s over. You didn’t die, everyone didn’t stop what they were doing to point and laugh at you, it’s over. You can move on to the next group.
Many men struggle with “approach anxiety” – where they over-think the situation and end up psyching themselves out. To combat this, we have the three-second rule. This rule states that you should spend no more than three seconds considering whether to approach a group. As soon as you spend more than three seconds deciding, you build anxiety. You start thinking about the perfect line, you realise she’s noticed you, and the result is a bunch of awkwardness, which makes things even worse.
You need to just get in there and do it, especially as someone new to the art of pickup. The biggest thing you need is more experience, which you get by attempting more approaches.
Factors To Consider
Another surprisingly important thing to consider is angles. You don’t want to be approaching girls from head on, for two reasons. Firstly, it’s seen as confrontational (because of tens of thousands of years of evolution), and secondly it can create awkward situations where she notices you approaching but you still have 15 feet of crowded bodies to navigate before you get there. You don’t want to approach from behind, either, because it can be considered creepy. Also, if she’s in a group, you force her to turn her back on her group to talk to you, which will make her feel awkward, time constrained, and make her friends try to “get her back”.
The best option is to approach from the side and slightly in front – if she’s facing 12 on the clock, you want to come from 10 or 2. Surprisingly, this idea actually comes from conflict mediation. When mediators place two people on opposite sides of a table they find them to be more confrontational, whereas if they are places at the corners of a table they are much more cooperative and collaborative.
What size group should you approach? Really, it’s not worth overthinking, but if you’re by yourself you’re probably best off approaching either ones or threes. Ones for obvious reasons, and threes because if you want to isolate her later then it’s going to be much more difficult if you’re trying to make her leave her friend. Of course, if you have a wingman then even-numbered groups become better for the same reasons as above.
If you’re approaching a group, then interestingly you’re better off not opening your target. By opening her friend, you disqualify yourself, which means her defences are down. In fact, she’s going to attempt to qualify you and win your attention. Also, if you pick the least attractive girl in the group, she’s less likely to get jealous of her more attractive friend and try to cockblock you.
If there are guys in the group, open them. Be friendly, but remain in the alpha mindset – you are the alpha male of your group, and you’re visiting their group. It will make them less likely to try and out-alpha you.
What To Say
So now that you’re in the right mindset, know how to physically get there, and who to actually open, what the hell are you supposed to say?
Honestly, it doesn’t matter that much. Just make eye contact and make some sounds come out of your mouth (not just any sounds, but you get the idea). Having a few canned routines in mind might be good if you’re unconfident, but situational openers tend to work much better – “Did you see that fight on the dancefloor?” “Why are all the guys in here dressed like polo players do you think?”
Another option is the opinion opener. Asking a woman for an opinion on a certain topic is an easy way to disarm them and get a playful conversation flowing. For example, “Hey, can I get your opinion on something? My friend has been dating this girl for just over a month and she calls him three times a day. Do you think that’s overly possessive?”
False time constraints also work well – “Hey, can I get your opinion on something real quick?” or “I have to go back to my friends in a sec, but can I just ask you ______?” If you use a false time constraint, be prepared for what happens when the time runs out – either have a reason that you’re not leaving, or genuinely leave and have a plan to re-approach again shortly after.
Really, the most important thing is to just get out there and do it. Don’t overthink it. Don’t wait too long. And don’t worry about what might happen. There are billions of women in the world – so go and talk to them!